From blogspot: Three years later

This is slightly out of order, but done intentionally. This was my first blog back after losing my pony, trainer, family unit and several friends. As I mentioned on Monday, I was way too busy my senior year of high school. This was absolutely (though unknown at the time) to avoid all of my feelings about before-mentioned stressful events! Here I expand on it some, but again it’s a laundry list – I was stuck in the over-commitment race and was unaware a finish line didn’t exist.

I’m noticing that I tend to assume past me was a know-it-all and some cocky little shit, when in reality, I had (and still) consistently gone extra lengths to avoid just that image: “not to say I’m wise or anything!” “I can be downright naive!” I was 18, of course I’m not going to be some sage! But God forbid I don’t acknowledge it and miss beating hypothetical “you” to the punch. Should I write anything confidently and then be questioned as to whether it was right/wrong (or worse, proven wrong), I can save face with written proof that I’ve already admitted I’m neither wise or all-knowing.

It’s a safety strategy, like a lot of other little habits I’ve been digging up after nearly a full year’s worth of consistent therapy.

Spoiler: The combined training event didn’t happen and following high school graduation I would go on to be Way Too Busy for three out of four years of undergrad, in spite of some maladaptive self-talk that constantly reminded me other people were doing more and I better stop complaining.

Next week (or whenever) plan on talking about the therapeutic riding totally not PATH compliant program at the barn where I worked and yet more broken wheels on my busyness.

November 4, 2011

Take two? Dos? Sixth? 29436874127? Doesn’t matter, it’s closing in on three years since I officially announced my title as an eventing wannabe (I recently learned that for three years my ‘blog’ – a.k.a. two posts – sat here grammatically incorrect as eventing wanna-be… cripes.) to the entire, ginormous world. It was a big step for a little freshman. I felt pretty good about myself. Like I had a lot of wisdom – I was hot stuff. I felt like I’d accomplished something in just writing it out; although I freely admit I talked the talk but certainly didn’t walk anything resembling a straight line on my own two feet regarding this.

Simply, if my goal was a breathalyzer test, I’d fail… miserably.

Buuut.

I’ve done a lot of growing up in nearly three years; I’ve had a lot of experiences I never would have had if I would have continued on the same path I puddled along on when I wrote those first two posts. That’s not to say I’m wise or anything; shoot I can be downright naive sometimes! Not the point, not the point…

I’m a busy senior who has immersed herself with a multitude of challenging classes – some of which I truly believe are over my head *coughcoughcalculuscoughcough* and out to take over mah lipheee – as well as a varsity sport and multiple activities/clubs/service activities to keep plenty busy. This all happened after I was forced to give up Peanut circa summer ’09. I’ve ridden every now and then, but nothing regular since. Eventing wannabe simply became rider wannabe. In fact, I went on about a ten month stint without so much as being in a barn; for someone who’s life had revolved around horses from age seven to age sixteen, that was a pretty big deal!

Ever since I stopped riding regularly, however, I’ve thought about it from time to time. How much I miss it, how happy it made me, and I’d get myself all motivated to just go out and do it.

But then something would get in the way; whether it was school, sports, family, friends (I use the last two loosely as they are never “in the way”) or even myself, something always prevented it from happening.

I’ve done some prioritizing though. Tallied up all my commitments, created check lists (ok, this is more of a work in progress) to keep myself organized, and prepared myself for a new commitment. I still have a lot of obstacles: my parents are divorced and one is unemployed, the other doing the best they can – I’m thankful for both of them; I have a job, but I have college to think about, too; I have a lot of school-related commitments – if I were to list them all it would quickly become overwhelming (to myself) and extremely boring (to a reader), because really, who likes to read, or hear, people rattling off a list of day-to-day activities?

I’ve heard, though, that writing down a goal automatically makes you more apt to go for it, and maybe, accomplish it.

So, here it goes, for better or worse: I will compete in a combined training event safely within the next two years, have no regard to score or placing, and have fun doing it!

Until then, I’ll be a wannabe, but I’ll also be a learner, so I can accomplish this lofty little goal of mine. :]

Leggo.

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