Not long after publishing two days ago, I got my first like. There’s always that giddy feeling of someone else acknowledging whatever you just threw out on the internet. Before long, there was another one. More affirmation! And then a third, a fourth – I found myself going back and forth between clicking the little bell and then checking various versions of my overall statistics. I had x views in June, and then improved that in July. I checked the past several weeks – each week had been better than the last. I can do this, I can make it. I just have to make a schedule, stick to it, start researching and planning out some topics I want to teach everyone about.
Yesterday was much of the same, but it didn’t feel as sparkly. I went through and visited the sites of everyone who liked my rambling about authenticity and no bullshit. Deep, esoteric thinkers, raw photographers, story tellers, poets and lifestyle/travel bloggers that I’ll probably continue to stalk a bit and then decide to follow. But do I follow everyone, one at a time – would I leave anyone out? None, is it too soon?
The excuse of overthinking
Too, too much overthinking. Too, too much going on; that I see, hear, want to comment or write something about, do something about. I’ve spent much of the last year and a half with not enough: social interaction, money, energy, independence, gratitude, joyful experiences, purpose. Lately I’m having trouble deciding what my priorities are, and as a result have a dozen things juggling at once. Which is better than randomly accepting commitments as I used to, trying to be busier than everyone else. I am entirely past that, thank God, though I still have some second guessing guilt with each “no.”
I don’t want to be that busy anymore, ever again. As I state that though, I have an online puzzle waiting for me, and an unfinished podcast about marketing manipulation paused because I was wanting to write up some of my takeaways. And here I find myself.
It reminded me of how inundated I am with messages and knowledge from all corners of everywhere, in my pursuit of “learning” and how I bounce from thing to thing when I’ve consumed it but, having not processed it, can’t apply it yet. I get incredibly frustrated when, later I may try to explain the concept to someone and find that my understanding isn’t enough to relay it externally. In response, I go learn something else, consume another thing, I suppose hoping that this time it’ll just stick. Shitty cycle. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it (kind of?) does to me.
Gotta publish by x time
I’m leaving my house soon, and already found myself battling the inner dialogue of “hey, if you publish this just before you leave, you can look at stats when you get back!” What’s my motivation for that? It doesn’t matter when I share shit (so, no idea yet). There’s also the worry that I won’t finish this if I leave it because it’s a little (lotta) all over the place. This is so damn uncomfortable because I’m the one who knows what I want to say, knows what I’m doing, can answer any myriad of questions or help you with any number of tasks. I know how to write something of decent quality, convince an audience of my point of view or educate a listener. I’m not doing any of that right now. I’m making up random tags, holding back on the ‘discover’ one because isn’t that a little too self-promotional right now?, and creating subheadings that have nearly nothing in common with what follows them.
Put it in a journal…
Yea, maybe I should. Safer there. I don’t know if my desire to share this sort of post stems from desperately wanting validation or if I think there’s utility in my mess. Makes me wonder how it would change; two posts of this ‘style,’ if I can call it that, is hardly enough to assume anything. Maybe in a couple weeks I’ll change this back, sweep out my dusty confusion and dribbling emotion and exchange it for a logo, marketing strategy, professional pictures and some sort of “product.”
The above just reeks of self-deceit right now; I’ve tried it and in no way was ready. I applaud those who are doing this authentically right now, in the near future, or have done it in the past. I felt like a fraud, incompetent, and beyond that, it just felt not right. At the very least, I’ve learned to trust that. Icky as this is, it seems a bit more right… I think.